I am continually cleaning and purging at my house. I find myself being overwhelmed with guilt feelings for having so much STUFF and not wanting my children to overdo, when I’ve gone to join Dad. I have journaled for years and years and have thrown most of those books into the trash. I thought I had tossed out all of them, but I was cleaning out a drawer, a while ago, (looking for something), I discovered the journal preceding my widowhood. To be perfectly honest I do not remember writing most the things I wrote. Those days were a huge blur to me and I can read a day or two at a time and then I have to stop. It is cathartic for me to read these diaries, but it is much too soon. As I read, I feel like I am going backwards not forward. The pain and the visions of those awful days become real and vivid again and tank me for the rest of the morning. I can only read in small increments. I have now read from January to April.

All of the years that I had my decorating business and taught others how to make their home become a place of peace, of harmony, of beauty, instantly came to mind. When you decorate your home, it is so much easier if you have a common thread, woven from room to room. A color, a fabric, a theme or whatever you love. I never had to tell others what to buy, fifteen minutes of conversation and I knew what they loved, then I could recommend products to help them achieve their unique ambiance.

As I read through those days of nightmare theater and my new life that followed, I realized there was a common thread that went from day to day. No matter what the day held and no matter how sad, encouraged, overwhelmed, or exhausted I was, I wrote it all down in raw, unadulterated facts. I didn’t spare any details and I always included the real emotions that encapsulated me. Then …….I ended that day’s journey with the scriptures that I had started my day with, the verses that I had read during my devotional time, that morning. It was always about God being in charge and His plan being perfect. Reflecting on God’s word during those gruesome days was like a calming salve on my cankerous, self-consumed fears, it was the healing balm that money cannot buy, and the jar that never comes empty. Through this ordeal I have become aware, that if I would just submit and get out of His way, my life would run incredibly smoother.

Matthew 11:28 says “come unto me all you who are weary and I will give you rest.”

Friends, please understand that grief is not all about you. Whether you have lost a parent or a mate or sibling or a relationship, or even a pet, your life will change, you will never be the same. You never get over it, but, at some point you begin weaving all that you’ve learned, into your new tapestry and then smooth the snags and rips and missed moments one day at a time. If you don’t believe this already: God does have a plan, He will execute it in His own way, in His own time, so try not to get in the way.

Here is a hack I thought you might like. I cannot eat an entire loaf of bread without it going stale or bad. I now take out each piece and wrap in saran or fold-top sandwich baggie and replace into bag and freeze. Just pull out as much as you need and it will be fresh.