First of all I want to apologize to those of you who have been waiting for the next message. I am now back, trying to share my journey with those of you that are interested in listening and learning. I have had a bad virus, hip replacement, my son had heart surgery and darn if I didn’t turn a year older. It has been very hectic and heart wrenching as well as including many teaching moments. I believe that the day we stop learning is the day we stop living.

A short time after my husband passed away I was invited to a wedding shower. I really care deeply for the family and felt I could not skip it, so I went. It was really the first time I felt the “void”. The intense combination of my new grief and a young woman who was so nonchalant about becoming a wife, being among all my lady friends who still had their husbands, provided almost explosive emotions.

I had no previous experience with anxiety attacks, but I began losing my perception as well as the necessary art of breathing. This suffocation came so suddenly and so seriously that I practically ran out the door to my car. What had occurred was being in a {void} a place vacant of all familiar feelings. My bestie was not going to be at home so I could not share all the details, and I was at a big party for the first time as a single woman. I had just been severely damaged, and my life was inside out,I think it was way too soon.

The next time was a week later when a rock hit my windshield, and I needed to get it repaired. The same awful feelings came over me as I sat in a small waiting room with an unruly child and a woman who talked non-stop and country music blaring. I could not wait to get home to my safe space.

A lovely couple who have been married 60 something years, weekly invite the widow and widowers from church for lunch to their home on Sunday. I really did not want to attend the first invite, but out of love for the couple, I did. I hated it from very first minute. Everyone there had been in the single club a lot longer than me. Callous comments regarding the benefits of living alone were salt in my open wound. It was terrible.

These occasions were all a part of navigating my grief. When you have been with someone a long time and are so very familiar with their thinking, entering unfamiliar situations is very scary. Detailed advice on how to avoid these moments is impossible, due to the uniqueness of each individual situation. This reminds me of the old adage, {to thine own self be true}. Be acquainted with who you are and where you are in your personal process of walking alone

Little things like choosing a gift or a card or a planning an event, are scenarios that take much pre-thought. I try to have a task to accomplish at an event that involves serving. Serving is my therapy and go-to whenever I am outside my personal perimeters. To take your mind off yourself and your pain is very therapeutic, and I strongly recommend trying it.

Now I plan and prepare for avoiding the void. The Sunday lunch is the most fun thing I do. I am now a part of, ” the group”. The men carry chairs upstairs and pour tea. The ladies’ slice or dish up food and we try to clean-up as much as we can before we leave. Upon being invited, we ask, ” what I can bring”, so we all bring a dish. These sweet hosts are in there 90’s, but we are all included somehow. This is a very good thing for those of us that really miss day to day stuff like going home alone to eat. I now am considering being the host to others once in a while.

I still don’t slip easily into sudden voids, but I am reminded how all the greats in the scriptures like Noah building the ark, Moses confronting Pharaoh, Jonah going to Ninevah, just to name a few. These God driven men persevered into many unfamiliar voids and came out victorious in the end. I’ll be praying for you on your journey….Try God!