Three years ago, on January 3, My husband of 50 years had a stroke. 56 days later, he left me to be with Jesus. This is a tale of my journey, one I would never recommend to anyone. Nobody is prepared for the aftermath of hurt, no matter who you are. There is no way to prepare for such anquish.

Losing a husband to death is not the same as losing a parent. Losing a child is not the same as losing a spouse. There is one common thread that weaves the process together……raw, unfiltered, devastating pain. We call this debilitating season grief. Everybody deals with grief in different modes.

I cried continually day and night. I was a person who was not allowed to show emotion growing up and matured without the handicap of sudden tears. I cried when I went to sleep, I cried when I woke up. I had just ignored emotions most of my adult life and suddenly I couldn’t stop. Many things got me started, a sound, a scent, a song, they all triggered a gushing of tears. One time very soon after the funeral I panicked about money and decided I would rent the spare room. I called a friend and she was going to give me some guidance and we met for lunch. I arrived early and was sitting at a table and this older couple came in and I watched them casually. He didn’t help her with her chair and they did not talk. I wanted to get up and tell them to talk, a time will come when you cannot talk. I started to cry instead and my friend could not possibly know how nutty I had become so I accomplished nothing except a tip to share, don’t go out of your house too soon. My son came by one day and I was crying again and he said “Mom, what”? I said, “the wind chime broke”. Poor guy, I’m sure he thought to himself…OK. Memories will get the best of you at times.

People will say it’s ok to cry and it is, however it is also ok to not cry. After two months of guilt driven sorrow I didn’t run out of tears, I just ran out of energy. Smudged make-up, sad days and nights will wear you down into a bottomless, hopeless pit. I had no motivation to do anything even basic stuff like eating. If you have someone in the early stages of grief, ask them if they ate that day and ask what they ate. These basic questions may spare them the plight of medical issues and nutritional infusions. The Bible tells us that God collects our tears in a bottle and as I read that I thought I must have filled a jug or two. I had a choir of angels that stayed by my side, each one unique in their ministry. I had practical friends that changed my sheets and bought my groceries, sat with me while I cried and carried me through those days.

Many friends have encouraged me to write these things down and that is how this blog was imagined. The Holy Spirit has kept nudging me as well so here we are. I am a born again, Holy Spirit filled, Christ follower. If that type of person is not your cup of tea, thank you for stopping by. I’ll encourage you to come back to hear the rest of the story. I pray you will find substance, advice, humor, some teary moments and scripture references, as well as a recipe occasionally, all designed to guide you along on the grief train.

Thank you for investing your time in me and sosusannsaid…..come again.

To God Be The Glory