He had been home from the hospital two days. That morning he requested a shower. He was barely able to move on his own and our sweet Son Christopher, who had been unable to see his Dad in the hospital, (due to being in the middle of the Covid hoax). Now that he was home and he was here practically around the clock, and would have helped his Dad climb the Himalayas if he’d asked. He obediently and lovingly, wrapped his Dad’s arms around his neck and lifted him into the wheelchair. We hurried down the hall and with towels flying, heater on high, undressing, covering wounds, water was everywhere. Now wash, rinse, repeat in reverse. Back in bed in the living room and dressing, discovering socks don’t fit over swollen legs. I dashed to his dresser throwing socks out to find some that would work, and hopefully he would quit shivering. Christopher combed his Dad’s hair and tucked him in. We just got him settled when Jesus came and escorted him to heaven…. 11:36 A.M.
Many things then occurred in non-reality order, body gone, bed gone, oxygen gone., people gone. Finally I was all alone and in a numb state that only those who have been there will understand. It’s a dream-type state where emotions collide with facts. I headed to bed and realized I hadn’t gone back into the bedroom since morning. I can only imagine that it would be like following an explosion and seeing the aftermath for the first time, shock and awe. I had no courage or motivation , let alone strength, to clean that scene up. I could not ever get into that bed again and reality sucked the air from my lungs. I will never get that picture of Christoher wrapping his Dad’s arms around his neck out of my mind. I needed oxygen!
My husband’s dream for 56 days had been to come home to his chair, drink a chocolate milkshake that I made and sleep by me in our room. We later found a note in the end table drawer next to his chair that he had written the first time he had come home home…..take 3 steps. All these things would have any relevance to anyone else, but now, in his absence they were memes.
In the game of life, we sometimes are thrown a curve ball, no hits, no runs, no slides, many errors. I coped in my own way, three steps forward, four steps back. Every event, song, smell, sound have a memory laden emotion. I emptied the dresser and sold it, and the bed, gave all his clothes away, (except a ratty tatty sweatshirt, his favorite, ), and slept in the guest room for two months. I finally told Christopher that I wanted to move back into the master bedroom. New bed, new bedding, new furnishings, (I painted the old stuff and rearranged), and it was now my room.
I relocated that big old chair into every empty spot in the living room for weeks, I still couldn’t get him out of it, in my mind. The end table was put in the spare room. When I began talking about him I would still point to the corner where he sat reading his bible and doing the daily Sudoku. I eventually sold that dang chair, (huge relief), and tried not to think about the rest. It is hard to go on by yourself after 50 years. My Dr. said it is like an amputation and you will always have that phantom pain you hear about…forever.
As a follower of Christ, I don’t believe in luck, chance, or coincidence. God’s plan is perfect, his timing is right. We will never understand his thinking or his ways, (Isaiah 55:8) surrender, submit, follow, repeat. Prayer will be what guides you through if that is your forte. Write down your feelings, especially if you are frustrated at someone or something. It is a much wiser exercise than spewing vitriol at those you love and care about. Then shred those papers and say farewell to the emotional upheaval that you encountered, with grace, peace, and finality. I found a sign at the re-sale shop that said JUST BREATHE and put it on the hutch in the dining room. Reading it helps me when I can’t find my breath, due to some silly/sweet memory, or thought. Time will heal; Philippians 4:19
sosusann says “read your bible often, pray until you are at peace, take a deep breath and JUST BREATHE