Our facade dictates our behavior and the way we perceive ourselves. Most of us live our lives in one of two modes…serve or be served, wait till later or do it now. In my era, women always worked, some in the home, some outside the home and the latter had two jobs because she still took care of the home as well as an outside job. Some women started the day rising to their work all around them and then out the door to an employer and then back home to the jobs they left behind.

I was a stay at home Mom and did all the things we did in those days such as ironing everything including the sheets and keeping an orderly household. No one in my group sneered at me for ironing , because we all did it. Our husbands kept care of the vehicles and the yard, took out the trash and we prepared the meals, kept house and minded the children. We each had our tasks to perform and we did it, because it was the way things were.

As my children grew up, I got a job outside the home. I still planned all the meals for the week, made my own bread and did the laundry, vacuuming, mopping, dusting and baked every Tuesday. I was blessed because I loved being a homemaker and I didn’t complain. Growing up in the military, I was very structured and had a set of basics in my head that kept me on a tract with many lists. I never required more than 4-5 hours of sleep. I enjoyed my life and we eventually had more money and bought an RV and went on lots of trips . We loved camping and I always enjoyed being on the road with my sweetheart. No distractions and lots of beauty around us as well as time alone strengthening our relationship.

Then he died. I had gone into nurse mode when he had the stroke and that was my job for all those weeks. After the funeral and all the paperwork and people asking how you are and you have no answer because you don’t know, never running out of tears and pure exhaustion. Eventually you ask yourself the big question….. NOW WHAT?

I didn’t realize all the little things he did or all the major things he did either. One day in the Spring I got a notice to get the pump in order because the irrigation water would soon be arriving. I knew about breast pumps and shoe pumps and exercise pumps…but I knew nothing about irrigation pumps. This is when you get to know the neighbors. I am fortunate to have lots of good neighbors. The man across the street took my pump apart and made sure it was ok and shared language I wasn’t familiar with. Did you know, if you look interested at a man who is talking tools and nod a lot, you will look wise and capable, but if you cry they will do it for you. The hope is you will know when to do what and know what is the most useful face to wear.

Cooking three meals a day and baking often always kept me extremely busy. Now I had time on my hands and I had to adjust the budget and the amounts I cooked. At first the neighborhood enjoyed the overflow of food but eventually I figured it helped to use smaller pots and pans. I love to cook, it is my happy place, and still share lots with shut-ins and sick friends.

I am no longer super-woman and no longer miss the deadlines and all the many tasks that I did. The inside things don’t get done as often in the summer due to a big yard and outside chores like spraying weeds and edging and weed eating. I met a nice man at the VA and he gave me a little weed eater, {poor face}, its battery operated and I love it.

One night my electrical system exploded and I was on minimal power. I overheard the electrical guy tell my son it could catch fire so be careful. I paced and prayed, I took the alarm down three times and made sure it worked and finally went to bed. Why do extreme thoughts only come in the dark, thoughts that you wouldn’t have in the daytime? I got up often and looked at that box so many times till I finally wore out. I laid down again and asked Jesus to protect me. After two hours being wide awake I got up again and put my phone, my credit cards and my teeth by the bed, and prayed again. I was now prepared to climb out the window, (if I fit), now I was sure I would be okay, I had all the basics, and Jesus was in charge.

sosusannsaid…….. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me