Four years ago on January third, my life changed forever. My husbands death didn’t occur on Jan 3, but his stroke took him away from our ordinary and uneventful life. His humor was deceased, his memory was deleted, and his decision-making skills were terminated. I automatically went into my default setting which is caregiving, organizing and persevering. The next 57 days were monotonous and tiring. I had not done the money management and didn’t know if we even had any or had no idea of how much there was. The hour and a half one-way trip to the hospital was during COVID and I came home every day. My grief didn’t come until after the dust had settled including cremation, funeral preparation, family stuff and paperwork. Living alone in the same space where he died was painful and that’s when the tears really began.
Every day I relived 51 years of life and recalled every single mean or unnecessary word I had ever said. It all came back in instant recall and guilt bigger than the Rio Grande encompassed my life. I cried for two years and have now said that “I cried a river”, is no longer just an old song to me. One day I realized that God does not talk to us in that kind of venue. Who was I listening to…that old enemy that sunk Adam and Eve from paradise had been filling my ears full of wickedness. Time to get my bearings and buck up.
Fast forward to this brand-new year, labeled 2026, and breathe deep. I just went through the past holidays, and all the commotion that entails and did not cry hardly at all. This year, January 3 was a big day to navigate, and a friend said “let’s go thrifting and out to lunch. We had a terrific day doing the two things I really love to do, bargain hunting and eating. Even as we walked into one shop, his favorite song was on the intercom, I stayed together. I laugh more and weep less and I share my story without being in a puddle. Life is better
When did this happen, when did grief not embalm my brain anymore? I don’t know, I can only say that I have been healed. My sweet beloved still resides in my head and in my heart, his picture is on my nightstand, and I still put on his favorite perfume when I want to feel special. Our memories, his humor and all the things that made a good marriage are still there. I no longer sob myself to sleep and feel worthless because of something I said or did in years past. I have made this nest mine and look forward to relinquishing myself someday to enter his new abode. I do not believe in marriage in heaven, so I anticipate seeing my Jesus face to face and thanking Him personally. Revelation 22
I did not accomplish this all by myself, I am forever thankful for a wonderful church family, my Son and his wife, great neighbors and my Savior most of all. I have learned and accomplished basic tasks that I never had to do before and invented some new ones. You never get over grief, but you learn to live around it, in perspective, I don’t know how I got this far; however I am ready for a new outlook. Happy New Year
Here is a dessert hack for you today.
Make an amped up box cake:
1 box cake -4 eggs-1 cup milk-1 cube melted butter-1 teaspoon vanilla or other flavoring and beat 2 minutes (will be thick)
pour into two 8 or 9 inch, 3 five inch or one 13x9x2 greased pans–Bake 15-30 minutes in a preheated oven 350 degrees or until done. Let cool on rack then you can wrap one in saran and put in baggie and freeze for another day and frost the other, or frost big one for a potluck.
Make this easy icing:
1 8oz cool whip
1 small package pudding {any flavor}
1/2 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla or choice of flavoring
Beat milk and pudding and flavoring, then mix until smooth and creamy add cool whip and on low mixer or with whisk, mix thoroughly
This frosting recipe will frost a 13x9x2 so cut in half if using on one small cake
Enjoy